when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
