Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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