That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
