Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
