Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
