I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
