he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
