im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
