The maid of honor just puked.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
