And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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