he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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