here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
