i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
