the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
