Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
