Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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