i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
