Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
