I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
