I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I puked a lego.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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