Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
