if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
