I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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