genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
