Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dicks are not precious.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
