Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
