Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
