Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
