I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
