i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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