I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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