He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
