Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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