good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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