is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
