i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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