Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
