I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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