his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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