The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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