I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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