Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
