...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
