I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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