oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
