last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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