I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
