i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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