I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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