Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
